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Best of Dr Watsa: First-time sex problems

Bengaluru’s most popular sexpert passed away on December 28, 2020 at 96. In remembrance of the man who made sex talk possible in India, here are some of his best answers:

* I am a 35-year-old single woman. I have never been physically involved with anyone. I have been friends with a colleague for eight years. Six months ago, we got intimate. Since I was a virgin, the first time, we indulged in a lot of foreplay, bonding and he proceeded, only when I was ready. He inserted his finger into my vagina. However, it was very painful and he stopped. We tried the second time, and had to stop. Fifteen days ago, we engaged in a lot of foreplay, and he tried to enter, using a condom. He did not insert himself fully, but I almost screamed and he had to stop. Immediately, when I went to clean myself, I could feel some blood. I want to enjoy a satisfying sexual experience with him, since we have waited for long. Is my vagina too small? Or is there any other problem?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
From your description, it seems he has split your hymen, hence the pain and blood. That discomfort and pain is much less than what you would get at menstruation. You could apply LOX 2% gel in and around the vaginal opening and wait for 15 minutes and then wash the excess. You will not feel pain.

* I am 51 years old and single. I have never been married. I am still a virgin. My mother was very strict and always told me to save myself for after marriage. But now, when that may never happen, should I still stick to it? All the men I meet seem to want to have sex. I don’t know if the reason they leave is because I always refuse it. Maybe I would have a companion if I just allow sex. I am also worried about what it would be like. I know many women do not enjoy sex with their husbands, but stay in the situation anyway. Besides, I think I would feel guilty if I had sex casually. What should I do?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
The foundation of our sexuality is laid during childhood through our parents, culture, society and religious teachings. Myths, misconceptions and stories are passed down to the next generation. Your mother was possibly the product of her own environment. You must take responsibility for your own life and your sexual satisfaction and get rid of the blocks in your mind. Build a loving relationship with a person you can trust. Your first time may or may not be memorable but how you reflect as a partner and a human being will take you a long way in your relationships. Making your partner happy is important but also think about yourself and how you will be happiest.

*
I am 21 years old and my girlfriend is of the same age. We plan to have sex for the first time, what are the things to keep in mind to ensure our experience is more pleasurable than painful. I’ve been told there are lotions and creams that can reduce the pain that one experiences while having sex. Do we need a prescription to buy these creams? Will the pain of having sex gradually reduce with age?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
First of all, remember to use a condom. Sex does not have to be painful. Since it is the first time for both of you, you may want to keep Lox2% gel handy. It is easily available at the chemist. Respecting your partner and communicating with each other about your likes and dislikes will make your relationship a happy one.

*
I had sex with my girlfriend recently. It was her first time and the act was followed by some bleeding. This bleeding continued for three days after having sex. Is this normal? She’s scared about visiting a doctor. What should we do?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
She needs an examination. Please see a gynaecologist. It would be better to visit a doctor and understand what is happening.

*
I am a 27-year-old woman and I am a virgin. I am about to get married. My problem is that every time I have tried to get intimate with my fiance, I have not had any feelings for him. I almost feel numb down there, as if there’s no feeling at all. What should I do to get aroused? Do I have a problem or is this normal before getting married?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
It is certainly not normal. Intercourse should be enjoyable for both partners. What is holding you back? The reason could be psychological. I suggest you try vaginal stimulation or masturbation and see how your body responds to that. Check your hormonal levels. See a specialist to find out where the problem lies.

*
I am a 26-year-old man. I am about to get married in a year. I haven’t dated anyone. I am a complete novice when it comes to sex. Since I am a virgin, and want to learn the art of satisfying women, can you suggest some good books or online sources on the subject of foreplay?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
There are several books and articles available on the internet, which are easily accessible. You may read a book called The Joy of Sex and another one called It’s Normal available at major bookstores or online.

*
How long does the pain stay after the first intercourse?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
The first time you have intercourse, muscles and tissue get stretched around and so they can get sore. But it is completely normal to feel some pain after the act. Bleeding may also occur and it is normal. Make sure you are well lubricated and there is no roughness during the act. The pain or soreness should not last more than a week. However, if you experience symptoms of burning, visit the doctor as soon as possible.

*
My friend and I are planning to have sex for the first time and she wants me not to take any precaution but says that she will take it instead. I seek your advice on what pills she needs to take and for how long.

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
It is necessary to use a condom. Pills are available at the chemist and you may choose suitable ones on the advice of a doctor.

*
I am a 20-year-old woman. I’ll be having sex for the first time. My boyfriend and I want to know what kind of condom we should buy. What would you recommend?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
There are many options, for example Durex and Kohinoor. The type you should buy is one that has lubrication. The pack that contains these is usually printed with the matter on how to use the condom. Do refer to that information. And, always check the expiry date of the condom you use.

*
When a woman bleeds after having sex for the first time, does she need to take any medicine to stop the bleeding? Or does it stop on its own?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
Usually no medication is needed. The bleeding will be short-lived. If it isn’t stopping, please consult a gynaecologist. Self-medicating isn’t advisable.

*
I am a 20-year-old who, only recently, had sex for the first time. A few months ago, when I was about to have sex with my girlfriend, my penis became limp before I could penetrate her vagina. When we tried it again after a week, I couldn’t even get an erection. I am with someone new now, but I’m worried that my old problem will resurface. When I masturbate, however, everything is normal. Why is that?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
Your situation is quite a common one among people when they start having intercourse for the first time. But since you can get an erection with masturbation, there is no reason why, in time, you will not be able to sustain it.

*
I am a 35-year-old woman. I am still a virgin and this frustrates me. I want to get married soon. However, before that, I want to have sex, just for the experience. What are your views on this? What would you advise me to do?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
Even though you may decide on intercourse, I feel that you should know that there’s a chance that the tension that you may experience as a result of that choice, may not allow you to experience the same satisfaction as you would get when you have sex with a loving partner. I would recommend that you masturbate instead, as this may be a happier alternative.

*
I am a 22-year-old woman and I have been in a relationship for almost a year now. We are both very fond of each other. While we have kissed, we are yet to have sex. My boyfriend seems very uncertain about the act. While he hasn’t said that he doesn’t want to have sex in as many words, I can sense that he isn’t very keen from his body language. What could be the reason for this? We are both virgins. What should I do? How can I discuss the subject with him?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
Ideally both of you should visit counsellors who have programmes and training on sexuality. If you are based in Mumbai, Pune, Bengaluru or Ahmedabad, visit the Family Planning Association of India office.

*
I’m 33 and my height is 5 ft 5 inches, and I weigh about 69 kilos. I have never masturbated or had sex. Will I be able to satisfy a woman after marriage because people are saying that I will not be able to do so. What should I do? Should I sleep with a prostitute?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
Certainly do not sleep with a prostitute. You need to educate yourself on the subject. You may read the book It’s Normal to enhance your knowledge. Visiting a sexpert will help you to learn the art of foreplay and intercourse.

*
I’m 33 and my height is 5 ft 5 inches, and I weigh about 69 kilos. I have never masturbated or had sex. Will I be able to satisfy a woman after marriage because people are saying that I will not be able to do so. What should I do? Should I sleep with a prostitute?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
Certainly do not sleep with a prostitute. You need to educate yourself on the subject. You may read the book It’s Normal to enhance your knowledge. Visiting a sexpert will help you to learn the art of foreplay and intercourse.

*
I am a 20-year-old man. Recently I tried to have sex for the first time, but I ejaculated the moment my penis touched the woman’s vagina. This was embarrassing and now I am worried about it happening again. What should I do? Please advise.

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
Practice makes perfect. Be patient and all will be well. Should you be very anxious, consult a sexpert.

*
We are a newly-married couple. I am unable to insert my penis into my partner’s vagina. She has never masturbated and both of us experience pain during the act. Can you suggest a painless method of having sex?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
To avoid pain, your wife should apply a small amount of pain-relieving gel at the opening of her vagina 15 minutes prior to the act. Your complaint of pain needs examination. Please visit your doctor or a sexpert to have it checked out. You may try the legs-over-the-shoulders position.

*
I am a 26-year-old man. My girlfriend underwent an abortion a year ago. She refuses to go on birth control pills as she says she will do so after marriage. Condoms are 99 per cent effective and I was wondering if wearing two of them would help during intercourse. What do you suggest?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
Two condoms is definitely not a good idea. There are more chances of the condoms tearing due to friction. Just one, when worn properly, is fine.

*
For almost 12 years, I have been best friends with Aman (name changed) and almost everyone knew that we are like brothers. I have not had any kind of feelings for any girl after I graduated from college. However, I enjoy spending time with him. My parents have started discussing marriage and every time I think about the situation, I can’t bear to think that I will have to spend less time with Aman after marriage. Am I gay? What are the signs?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
Give yourself some time to find out your sexual orientation. Are you meeting women who you think you could be attracted to? Do you feel this way only about Aman? Be aware of your sexual attraction and feelings towards any particular gender. Visit a counselor who will be able to guide you better.

*
Does obesity cause loss of sexual desire? In the last few years, my husband, 45-years-old, has lost interest in sex and has been putting on a lot of weight. He openly admits to me that he watches porn. He says that we are old and this is how it is with most couples. Is it?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
At age 45 men are generally known to have more energy and are sexually active. Obesity is one of the causes for sexual dysfunction. A change of lifestyle can do a world of good for his general health and sexual wellbeing. See a doctor.

*
My thirteen year old son has been taking showers a little too often, sometimes, two to three times a day. I suspect he may be masturbating. What must I do?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
This is the age when hormonal changes take place and children begin to explore their bodies. It is a completely normal part of childhood development and as a parent you can help by imparting sexual education and discussing the subject without causing any guilt, embarrassment or shame to the child. Alternatively, hand him a few books on sexuality which he can read and understand himself. For now, take comfort in the fact that he is being extra careful about hygiene especially with covid.

*
I am a 19-year-old. My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for six months. We are attracted to each other and have had sex once but with our clothes on. We have this urge to have proper sex. How can we curb this urge?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
It is difficult to contain sexual urges so you will have to decide whether you are satisfied with what you are doing presently. You both may like to expand your knowledge before you proceed further. Both of you may read the book Its Normal. You should learn the way to practise safe sex which will involve safety from infection and unwanted pregnancy.

*
I am 19 years old, and I recently had sex (for the first time) with my girlfriend who is 22. After the act, I was wondering whether my penis, which is 4.3 inches when erect, is long enough to satisfy a woman. Also, I would like to know if there is any chance that the organ may grow longer over say, the next three to four years.

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
The length of your penis is more than adequate to have satisfactory intercourse. After puberty, which happens at around 13 to 15 years of age, no further growth of penis occurs. So whatever you have, you have to learn to make the best of it. I’d suggest you buy my book It’s Normal, which is available online or at book shops. That should help you learn the art.

*
I’m a 21 year-old-man. I’m a virgin and I want to know what precautions we need to take before having sex, so that my partner doesn’t get pregnant. Also, I want to know if oral sex is safe? Does it cause any infections?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
Personally both of you should ensure absolute cleanliness around the genitals. Knowledge regarding foreplay and contraception is necessary to avoid unwanted pregnancy. Oral sex is best performed by the male by using protection of a condom, so as to avoid any infection. Female condoms are also available but are rarely used.

*
My girlfriend and I are both 21 years old. We have been dating each other for the last six months. Recently, my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time. But when my girlfriend saw my penis, she was terrified. She broke up with me citing the size of my manhood, which she felt was too small. Does size matter?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
Rather than the size, how well you’re at foreplay and intercourse is more important.

*
I am 19-years-old and my partner is 20-years-old. We tried sex for the first time and it was not successful. As he entered his penis into my vagina, it was too painful for me and him too. Now we are both afraid to try it again. We don’t know whether this pain is normal or not. Please guide us. What should we do to be in the right position and how to check it?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
It is possible that your partner has not done an adequate amount of foreplay to arouse you. This will help you to get proper lubrication, the excitement will also bring about a lubrication in him.Both of you should ensure to use a condom otherwise there is a possibility of a conception. I suggest both of you visit a sexpert for a more detailed discussion.

*
My partner and I are both 20-years-old and we recently had sex for the first time. I did not use a condom but my partner took an emergency contraceptive pill within the prescribed 48 hours. However, it has been a week and she has still not got her period. Please tell us what to do.

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
First, grow up and learn how to use a condom. Please stop seeking remedies that you do not understand. For now wait another week and purchase a pregnancy kit from the chemist. If it turns out positive, visit a gynecologist.

*
I am 19-years-old and my partner is 20-years-old. We tried sex for the first time and it was not successful. As he entered his penis into my vagina, it was too painful for me and him too. Now we are both afraid to try it again. We don’t know whether this pain is normal or not. Please guide us. What should we do to be in the right position and how to check it?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
It is possible that your partner has not done an adequate amount of foreplay to arouse you. This will help you to get proper lubrication, the excitement will also bring about a lubrication in him.Both of you should ensure to use a condom otherwise there is a possibility of a conception. I suggest both of you visit a sexpert for a more detailed discussion.

*
I am a 26-year-old man. My girlfriend underwent an abortion a year ago. She refuses to go on birth control pills as she says she will do so after marriage. Condoms are 99 per cent effective and I was wondering if wearing two of them would help during intercourse. What do you suggest?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
Two condoms is definitely not a good idea. There are more chances of the condoms tearing due to friction. Just one, when worn properly, is fine.

*
I have had protected sex with three people. Can I still get STDs or HIV?

Dr Mahinder Watsa:
The possibility is low but definitely exists if any of your partners have an infection.

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