Frequently asked questions by readers

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With Funmi Akingbade

 

Aa much as I want to, I may not be able to answer all the questions received from readers, so we will be addressing some of those questions today. Next week, look out for breathtaking and thought-provoking tips that will take your sex life from zero to fabulous heights.

 

QUESTION ONE

During the six years of our marriage, our sex life has not been okay. My wife never seems that interested, and I sometimes struggle with my self-worth when she turns me down. Our tête-à-tête about sex is short and not too in-depth, because she feels uncomfortable with the subject. Now I resort to just go out and pay ‘call girls’ to satisfy my urges. Am I being unfair? I think this is better than having an affair because I do not want to destroy my marriage.

—Barry

 

ANSWER

Sometimes I wonder if wives really understand how intense their husband’s sex drive is or how intrinsic a man’s sexual fulfilment is linked to his self-acceptance and ego. However, going out to have sex with different types of  ‘call girls’ is like sweeping the dirt under the carpet, it still would not make the marriage work. First, remember men and women are different. If your wife has your testosterone levels, she would be a lot more interested in sex. You can give her a copy of my book sexual intimacy in marriage as a gift. Ask her to read and discuss the book with you. Helping her understand “normal” male sexuality will take you farther than visits to ‘call girls’. At the same time, you can learn more about female sexuality. Your letter indicates that your wife may have some fears regarding sex. Perhaps one or two counselling session with would draw out her feelings in this regard. Many couples have taken this option with incredible result.

Second, learn how to touch your wife’s “buttons.” The most effective way to enhance a woman’s sexual responsiveness is not “sexual” at all (especially not genital). For her, sexual intimacy blossoms from a sense of relational intimacy, connection and emotional safety. Without these as a foundation, sexual vulnerability is frightening. I have often heard a wife say that getting a glimpse into her husband’s life makes her want to get closer physically. Does your wife know you in the real sense? Third, do not anticipate a sudden, miraculous transformation, but look for gradual growth. For typical Nigeria wives, talking about the specifics of sex face to face may be too intense or embarrassing, therefore reading my book together is a good, non-threatening first step. You might also try watching educative sex films together. Remember you won your wife’s heart once. I bet you can do it again!

 

QUESTION TWO

I have been married eight years, and I love my husband dearly. However, sometimes when we make love, it seems like he has no feelings for me, only for himself. He is a little rough at times. Afterward, I cannot help feeling I have been taken advantage of. I want to enjoy sex, but I feel degraded because of his approach. Am I only to be seen and not heard on the bed?

—Felicia Bongo

 

ANSWER

Not much can happen to change this until your husband really hears your hurt. Pray that he will begin to listen and understand the problem. Your letter does not indicate that you have tried to talk with him about this. Do not expect him to read your mind or somehow automatically know how to change. Be prepared to verbalize your needs, feelings and desires. Feelings have a way of coming out, often nonverbally. Maybe your husband will catch on if you try a different technique for expressing your feelings. As you express your feelings, find out about your husband’s feelings, too. Do not assume that he intends to be unfeeling or unkind. Sometimes, what comes across as sexual selfishness may be something else such as fear or frustration. Perhaps your husband will begin to see that an unselfish approach will bring personal benefits for him, too. Maybe he has even been wishing all along that you would not hold back, not realizing that his own behaviour is keeping you from becoming vulnerable. He will definitely welcome your suggestions and some solutions.

 

QUESTION THREE

My wife now practices high-tech adultery. I work in London and partially live in Nigeria with my family, because of the nature of my work I stay back in London more. My wife stays in Nigeria to look after the kids because we both agreed to raise our children in our country. Recently our marriage seemed to reach a crisis point my wife now having cybersex relationships on the Internet, and even some phone sex, with some rift raff boys. She says she was not having any actual affair, but she refuses to stop these improper activities. She says she is staying in our marriage for the kids.  This makes me think so low about an average Nigerian woman, they are a disappointment.

—Mr. Avang

 

ANSWER

I am quite aware of the fact that you have a right to your opinion but I can audaciously tell you that Nigeria women are not a disappointment at all; you are basing your facts on just few incidents. Your wife’s behaviour indicates that she has been sex-starved for a long time. You have left her to herself for too long. Though the manner in which she is satisfying herself is not the best, the truth is you the husband have overlooked the power of her sexual instincts. These instincts are inbuilt impulses that must be satisfied.  Help her, by expressing your love for her, declare your commitment to win her back, and turn her life around. Do not underestimate her sexuality; satisfy her when you are around. Spend more time with her so that she will not spend time with the internet. The drawing power of the Internet could destroy if care is not taken. If I can talk to your wife, I would love to say she is fooling herself when she says she is staying in the marriage for the kids. What is best for them is a strong, intimate relationship between their mom and dad. If she is serious about doing what is best for them, she will get into some worthwhile activities that can give them a good future. These kids know what is going on more than you think. What lessons about intimacy and commitment are you modelling when you relate to a computer fantasy rather than investing in a human relationship? You were designed to be a good wife and mom; these goals are not beyond you. Both require hard work and commitment, so wake up and face reality.

 QUESTION FOUR

I got married and three days after while still in my honeymoon, I observed that my husband has low, big, hanging scrotum that gets in the way during sex. It makes sex so clumsy. What are the best positions for us? Secondly, I want to know if shoe size correlates to penis size. I was a bit embarrassed by the look of his penis. It is small and it curves sideway, but I thought it would be as good looking as his feet were.  Thirdly, should I always pee after sex? Even if I do not want to do such, is it compulsory?

—Geraldine Samba

 

ANSWER

Happy married life and have the best honeymoon, girl-on-top and doggie style positions, will take care of the hanging-big-balls. Besides, it is another ‘warm toy’ you can erotically play with while thrusting in and out is going on.  Shoe size isn’t linked to penis size neither are hand size or his height related to it. I think the curvature of his penis should not be a cause for alarm so far as the penis is put to a good use and can ‘display, deliver and discharge’. Medical science is always doing its best to improve on challenges facing humanity. Lastly, it is good to pee after sex because it flushes out bacteria and helps prevent urinary tract infections, especially when you are new at sexual activities and you are not too sure of your spouse STD’s status.

 

QUESTION FIVE

I am not married but read your column like a textbook. Please, if a man has a shrinking penis and releases prematurely, can he get a woman pregnant? My penis shrinks by the day and this gives me a lot of concern. Is the woman’s clitoris a small penis?  In addition, are smaller nipples less sensitive?

 

ANSWER

Yes and no. If a man has a shrinking penis that erects when excited and during thrusting in and out, he can get a woman pregnant any time of the day, because, the testes produce sperm cells. The scrotum stores the sperm cell, while ‘the shrinking but erected penis’ help to discharge the sperm, penis conveys sperm to its designation. However, when the penis is weak, shrinks, and at the same time prematurely releases sperm with such penis I am afraid the chances may be 50-50.  To prevent shrinking penis, reduce your weight, reduce intake of sugar, synthetics food items and practise Kegel exercise daily. Lastly, in the uterus, the clitoris and the penis are made from the same tissue and all foetuses start with something clitoris-like until the male’s babies grow a penis. Smaller nipples have the same number of nerve endings as larger ones.

 

QUESTION SEVEN

I am a mother of 3 children struggling to keep my work and marriage, but I have lots of questions bottled up within me. Firstly, I want to know why there is so much emphasis on women’s sex life. I have tried so many times to satisfy my husband sexually but his eye is on those call girls. I have asked him if I am not doing well sexually. His answer is that it is the devil. What do I do? Secondly, sex is a wide subject and in our society most women found it difficult to discuss sex because they will be labelled promiscuous. How can we bridge the gap? For instance you told us to use different styles while having sex, do you not think that will make our husbands think we are corrupt since some of them cannot read. If a wife is sexually active as you encourage, don’t you think it could be dangerous to the traditionally-minded man who could think his wife will cheat on him? For instance, whenever I scream during sex my husband, gets irritated. Lastly, is it true that a particular tribe enjoys sex more than others do?

 

ANSWER

I can identify with your struggles but I want you to know that there is always a way out. More sexual demands are placed on the women because gender-wise they have subtle sexual drive. After marriage women are the ones that tend to ignore and take sex for granted more than men. All the same sex in marriage is a key thing that must be improved on daily. For you husband keep loving him, pray for him, sexually satisfy him and he will change.  Secondly, I think this column has taken the stigma out of talking and learning about sex, all you need to do is whenever you come across any article that relates to your need strategically place the newspaper where your husband can read it, then take issue up from there.

 

QUESTION EIGHT

Does all this teaching apply to our spiritual leaders who most times wait on God for revelation? Also, is it proper to have sex before going to the service? Will the presence of God be felt in such service?

 

ANSWER

All sexual teachings apply to everyone regardless of their spiritual status. Spiritual leaders are flesh and blood, their make-up, constituency is the same as every other creature. There is no crime if a spiritual leader has a passionate, tantalizing, enticing, erotic, and far and beyond experiential sex before going for spiritual service. This does not in any form hinder the presence of God, instead it brings down God’s glory like never before.

 

QUESTION SIX

How can I deal with snoring? I snore a lot and I notice it has reduced my libido. My wife does not make matters easy as she refuses sex with me because I do not satisfy her due to reduced libido.

 

ANSWER

Yes, snoring reduces libido deprives good sleep to snorers and those around them. Snoring is the vibration of respiratory structures and the resulting sound, due to obstructed air movement during breathing while sleeping. In some cases, the sound may be soft, but in other cases, it can be loud and unpleasant. Cases such as throat weakness, or mis-positioned jaw, or fat gathering in and around the throat, or obstruction in the nasal passageway, or the tissues at the top of airways touching each other causing vibrations, or alcohol or sleeping on one’s back, this may result in the tongue dropping to the back of the mouth, can make one snores.

Treatments for snoring revolve around clearing the blockage in the breathing passage. Change of bed position: There are occasions wherein snoring is the result of wrong sleeping position. Sometimes, sleeping with too many pillows can stretch and narrow the air passage. Use one pillow to avoid it. In addition, lying on the back can cause snoring, a change in sleeping position can be a good help. Snorers are advised to lose weight (to stop fat from pressing on the throat), stop smoking (smoking weakens and clogs the throat) and sleep on their side (to prevent the tongue from blocking the throat).

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