Struggling to hit the high notes in the bedroom and hoping to reach orgasm at the same time as your other half? Or perhaps you’re looking for tips to help your female partner climax when you do? Either way, the fact you’re asking this question at all is a good start!
Great sex is all about experimentation, communication and fun, and if something isn’t quite hitting the spot, the best way to boost your sex life and quadruple your chances of achieving mind-blowing orgasms is trial and error.
Therapist, broadcaster and health writer Christine Webber explains how to find the best positions to get you (or your female partner) coming like a steam train:
The female orgasm uncovered
If you’re a woman who finds climaxing easy and can have orgasms during intercourse with little effort – even in a position where it’s difficult for your partner to access the clitoris with the fingertips – then you are very lucky indeed!
For the majority of us, ‘ringing that bell’ is not nearly so simple. Even women who can masturbate to a climax with no difficulty can feel quite anxious about ‘coming’ with a male partner.
The female Vs the male orgasm
This doesn’t seem fair, because apart from the small minority of men who have psychological difficulties with sex and who cannot relax enough to ejaculate into their partner, most males have no problem at all in climaxing during sexual intercourse.
But of course, in a man, the penis is the pleasure-provider. And clearly a penis gets a lot of stimulation during intercourse.
Women, as you probably know, get their pleasurable feelings mostly from the clitoris – which is the bit of them that would have turned into a penis had they developed into a baby boy in the womb, instead of into a girl.
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For that reason, most women need the clitoris to be stimulated during sex – and in many positions this simply doesn’t happen. Now, please don’t feel bad if you’d never really realised this before, because you are not alone.
In my consulting room, I’ve seen many successful women – including lawyers, bankers and TV presenters – who were quite unaware of what it takes for most women to climax and who, as a result, had spent ages blaming themselves and feeling inadequate. But the truth is that:
Most women have to learn how to orgasm.
The majority of women do not climax through ‘no hands’ intercourse.
So, how do you learn to climax?
The importance of masturbation
If you’re having trouble in reaching climax, the best thing you can do is to start by learning how to orgasm on your own through masturbation. Once you can climax easily on your own, you’ll find it much easier to have really exciting times with a partner.
But even if you are the queen of masturbatory techniques, you might still find it tough to climax during full sex, and this will almost certainly be because your clitoris is not getting sufficient attention.
Here are four sex positions to try with a partner that might help you to enjoy intercourse more and to have fulfilling orgasms at the same time.
1. The CAT position
Basically this is a face-to-face position, but the man ‘rides much higher’ than he would in the missionary position so that his shoulders and head are about six inches higher up the bed than normal.
What this means is that his penis doesn’t go all the way into the vagina. Instead, the stem or root of it is pulled hard against the clitoris – producing great sensations in that all-important little organ.
The other difference is that instead of taking his weight on his elbows, the man should simply let his bulk rest on his partner’s upper chest. Clearly if he’s a heavy bloke, this might be a problem!
You can experiment with this position to get it absolutely right for you. Some people do it with the man’s legs outside the woman, but you can also try it with his legs inside yours.
Many couples find they can’t thrust much in this position so they kind of ‘rock’ together. The CAT certainly produces very different sensations from many other positions, so it’s worth a try, and it might just take you to the heights of ecstasy. I hope it does.
2. The free-as-air position
The man lies down on his back. The woman faces the other way and sits down on his penis. Then, in her own time, she gradually lowers herself so that – with his penis inside her – her back is lying fully outstretched on the front of his body.
The woman can feel genuinely weightless and free-as-air – which is quite a novel sensation. Another bonus is that either partner can touch the clitoris easily. So it’s different and fun – and usually a great time is had by all.
3. The Pinner position
This is a particularly good position if you feel nervous about touching your own clitoris. You shouldn’t be of course because it’s yours – and you should feel perfectly free to stimulate it yourself if you want to.
But the thing about this position is that many men can’t really tell if you are touching your clitoris or not.
How to do the Pinner position:
You lie flat on your front and he lies, face down, on top of you. He then penetrates you from behind.
But because you are flat on the bed, you get very different sensations from any rear-entry position where your bottom is up in the air.
And you can slip your hand in between the bed and your body and rub your own clitoris.
Plenty of women who have never ‘come’ during intercourse have found that they climaxed in the Pinner position.
4. The spoons position
Then there’s ‘the spoons’. This is the position where you lie on your side and your man lies curled up round your bottom (like spoons in a drawer) and penetrates you from behind.
Lots of women like this, though not all of them find it easy to orgasm on their sides. But the great advantage here is that either partner can reach down and rub the clitoris. Also, neither of you is having to take the weight of the other.
The right way to have sex
There is no right or wrong way to have sex with a partner. Every couple has to experiment to find out what works for them.
But I hope that trying out these positions will be fun – and that they may help you to have an exciting and orgasmic time.